Confessions of a Trailerboy

I Like Porn

2006-04-14T17:31:00.000-05:00

That is all.

I Really Could Not Make This Up.

2006-04-14T17:12:00.000-05:00

A woman I work with made a cute Bunny cake today to celebrate Easter. I walked into the following conversation between Cake Lady and two of my co-workers:

Girl 1: So, what's the cake for?

Cake Lady: Today is Good Friday, it's for Easter.

Girl 1: Good Friday?

Girl 2: You know, it's Jesus' birthday today.

Cake Lady: (stunned silence, a shake of the head, and EXIT Stage Left.)

I swear, I really couldn't do this on my own.

Oops, I Did It Again!

2006-04-14T16:57:00.000-05:00

Yep, no real surprises but I bought a new car. For those of you who know me, and you all do since the only people who tend to view this know me well.

I bought a brand spankin' new VW GTI. This car is hot! It has a retro plaid interior and is a hoot to drive. Check one out for yourself at VW.

Way back in the early 90's I used to work for VW and one of my friends still works there. Sue, who is a doll, gave me her "Friends and Family" discount. That combined with the VW Loyalty program (for those of us masochistic enough to buy VWs more than once) gave me a sweet deal that I just couldn't pass up.

So, now the Cadillac has to go. Anyone interested?

Oh Where, Oh Where, Has My Little Blog Gone?

2006-04-14T16:47:00.000-05:00

Ok, I'll admit it. I'm lazy. There, I said it.

Not much new to report as of late. My weight is VERY FUCKING SLOWLY coming down. I'm down a total of 10.4 pounds in 2 months. At this rate it will be 2 years before I even resemble less than porcine. I'm not letting it get me down. When I follow the WW cult exactly as intended, I can lose about 3 pounds per week. I just need to be more diligent and keep my real goal in mind. My goal is to get off of all prescriptions for diabetes and high blood pressure. I don't really have a target weight. I don't want to be skinny, really. I want to feel good, look good (and to me that is NOT skinny), and not have to take 4 pills per day.

That's it for now. Weigh in is tomorrow at 8 am. We'll see how it goes.

I'm Up!

2006-02-25T10:12:00.000-05:00

Cuz I'm down. I lost a whopping 0.2 pounds this week. Thankfully that cereal did the trick.

I honestly expected to have gained weight this week as I haven't been on track the whole week. Rob was down 1.4 pounds this week. Ben and Phil have yet to report in, but they've been so good at WW that I'm expecting nothing but great news from them. (No pressure.)

Currently I'm cooking a quiche like pie that has only 2.5 points per 1/4 of a 9 inch pie. It has spinach, fat-free cottage cheese, fat-free cheddar, Egg-Beaters and and Morningstar Farms vegetarian sausage. Our fearless leader Sissy gave us this recipe this morning.

On a side note, why do some women feel the need to talk non-stop when others are talking. We have a few women in every meeting that flap their faces the entire time Sissy is speaking. Good thing I'm not a WW leader or I'd pop each of them in their multiple chins. Sometimes war IS the answer.

Fat FearFactor

2006-02-24T22:53:00.000-05:00

Ok, I'm going out on a limb here and am predicting no good news tomorrow at the weigh-in.

My parents have been in town all week so there's been a moment or two of weakness for some home made chocolate chip oatmeal and oatmeal raisin cookies. Additionally, I've been weak on the journaling thing. "If you bite it, write it."

Bite it.

My parents like to play cards and it is so natural to have a cocktail while playing Texas Hold-em".

So, I'm not really excited about tomorrow's weigh in. I can only hope that the bowl of high-fiber cereal I ate earlier this evening will bestow a colossal blessing upon me before 8 a.m.

I'll let the three of you who read my crap know how I did tomorrow.

Going Down

2006-02-19T06:10:00.000-05:00

I figure that the title of this post will probably get me Googled a few times, don't you think?

Although not as dramatic as last week, I'm down another 2.4 pounds this week, bringing the two week total to 9.2 pounds. It doesn't sound like much in the grand scheme of things but imagine nearly two 5 pound bags of sugar being strapped to you 24 hours a day. I no longer have those two bags to lug around. Now I need to get rid of the remaining 30 bags of sugar that have been with me since Reagan's second term.

My partner in crime, Rob was down 0.8 pounds and slightly discouraged. He sometimes is Mr. All-or-nothing. I think he's better now. Like last week, the veggies, water, and exercise have still not become daily events.

Our friend's Ben and Phil have once again done an awesome job losing over 6 pounds combined!! We're proud of them. Since the beginning of October, they have lost nearly 70 pounds combined. You guys keep going, I'm using you as inspiration.

Our WW leader, Sissy is awesome. She is gorgeous and has lost over 220 pounds. She's perky, healthy, happy, and an inspiring leader. She's been in People magazine and is truly one of the most dramatic success stories I've met.

Here's to a week filled with vegetables, water, and some exercise too. The weather isn't very conducive to outdoor activity this week but my parents are in town so maybe some mall walking will be in order. I hate malls but with the rain and chilly weather, it just may be the ticket towards that next bag of Dixie Crystals.

Baby Steps

2006-02-13T08:46:00.000-05:00

Ok, I promised I'd post things here. And since I started Weight Watchers a week ago, it is time for my first report. I also figured I can use this as a motivator of keeping me honest. If you don't see a post, I probably gained weight.

In my first week I lost 6.8 pounds. Since I have to literally need to lose almost 1/2 of myself it is but a baby step on the road to the real me. My first goal is to hit the 10% of body weight that WW celebrates. In my case, that is more than a few weeks out.

It really hasn't been that hard. I've made some major changes, felt like garbage for the first few days while my body got used to fiber and vegetables. There are some more changes that I need to make.

Water: I do not drink enough.
Veggies: I do not eat enough.
Exercise: I do not do enough.

Surprisingly, I don't miss fast food yet. I thought I'd miss burgers and chicken biscuits but I really don't. (Now we won't mention that whore Little Debbie who forced and Oatmeal Cream Pie into my mouth one night last week. That bitch!)

I've Gotta Get Better at This.

2006-02-08T10:21:00.000-05:00

My friend Ben sort of turned me on to this Blog thingy. At first I thought it would be easy to post something witty daily. I guess that I'm just too busy and not that witty.

Ben posted something today that I've been thinking about for a long time. I don't want this to be just a heap-o-crap that makes no sense and has no direction. I'm not exactly sure what I want this to be yet.

I'll try to get better at posting things that better share who I am and what interests me.

For example, in High School, I loved photography. I'd take my trusty Pentax K1000 and my friend Jay (who turned out to be a professional photographer when he grew up.) and I would take dozens of pictures and develop them in the school dark room. When we were seniors in High School in Cudahy Wisconsin we even made a few hundred dollars by taking several of our friends senior pictures when we were both disgusted by the lack of originality displayed by the town's monopoly photographer.

Lately, I've been toying with the idea of getting back into photography. I've played a bit with digital and love the way I can manipulate one shot into several different works of art. Jon has recently been taking pictures and some of them are really good. I figure, if HE can do it, so can I.
I vow to take more pictures and share them with others.

I'm also turning 40 this year and I have never been confused for being thin. Following Ben and Phil's lead I also joined WW with my partner Rob. Today is day 4 and although I've tried diets for the past 20 years on and off with varied success, I want this time to be different. I've come to realize that my health doesn't just affect me. If my health isn't good, it can impact everyone that I come in contact with. That's a lot of pressure but I know when I eat right and exercise, not only do I feel better, I am a better friend, son, brother, partner, uncle, employee, etc.

So, I will keep you all posted on the weekly trials and tribulations of my quest for hotness.

I think that's a good start. We've got some other projects that need work but for now, let's start with these.

Pain in the Gas

2006-01-18T10:35:00.000-05:00

Ok, so we open the gas bill yesterday and I about crapped myself. At $305, I checked to make sure that I hadn't forgotten to pay the previous month's bill. Nope, they got their $116 last month.

Before you think I keep the estate at 72 toasty degrees 24/7, here are the facts:

Programmable thermostat is set at 55 degrees during the day Monday through Friday
It rises to a balmy 64 degrees late afternoons through bed time.
It is a chilly 61 degrees each evening.
Weekends are sort of a free-for-all but it is never higher than 66 degrees on the weekends.
All cooking is electric. The furnace, water heater, and fireplace are gas. The fireplace is used about 6 hours a month during the winter.

Just what do we get for our money each month? Before the first therm of gas reaches our brick ranch we pay about $40 in pass through, customer service, and other BS fees. Thank our Lord and Savior for deregulation. Isn't competition great? As much as I hate WalMart, I wish they would get into the natural gas business.

I guess that Gas Guy bitch can afford some new blue sweaters now that he's got my money.

To save some pennies, I vow to do the following:

The dog is getting a fleece pullover.
I'm burning any and all junk mail in the fireplace. I'm even going to raid the neighbor's mailboxes for their carpet cleaning coupons and AARP magazines.*
All guests will be given a ferret to keep in their pants during visits. If the natural ferret warmth isn't enough to keep them warm, the moving and scratching will keep guests active, therefore creating natural body heat.

*Before you send out the Feds, I will NOT steal anything from my elderly neighbors. I cherish and respect each and every one of them. Except the mean old fucker at the end of the street. He's nasty.

They Are Called "Junkyards" For a Reason.

2006-01-05T09:00:00.000-05:00

Yesterday, Steve, David, and I decide to head south of the city to our local Pull-a-Part junk yard to find parts for our various automobiles. If you've never been to a Pull-a-Part yard, they can be quite interesting. They have acres of crap cars that you actually pay $1 to go and view. If you find anything you need, you pull the part, take it to the register on the way out and pay. Great concept and a fun way to spend a few hours if you like that sort of thing.

So, I have a specific list of needs for my 1987 Cadillac Brougham and my 1974 Plymouth Duster. Both cars are southern, low mileage, all original cars. I needed a couple of trim items for the Bro-ham and some dash light bulb holders for Dusty.

My Cadillac has only 41,000 miles and has been under cover for most of its life but the rubber trim under the rear license plate fuel door is cracked. I think these crack and spontaneously turn to dust if they are exposed to full sun for more than 15 minutes or if you spill one drop of precious QuikTrip fuel on it. Why did I think that I would be able to find a good one on a junk car? I saw roughly 10 Cadillacs of that vintage and every one had that part gone. I even saw the staff at Pull-a-Part put out some fresh meat in the form of a 1982 Cadillac Sedan DeVille that actually looked very nice. We were the first ones to the car but that part was long crumbled. We did gather some excellent door courtesy light lenses from that car to make some fabulous nightlights. Um, that sounded way gay.

On to the Duster parts. Somehow I've been able to lose two of the dash light bulb holders in the dashboard. I think the car has acquired a taste for them or something. Of the two cars I found that had that type of bulb holder, there was not one part to be had. I wonder if other Mopars of that vintage like to feed on themselves also?

As a side note, we found several wigs, pictures of a gangsta playing with his pit bull, CDs, garage door openers, high heel shoes, Shaft's leather jacket, a Lee Press On Nail, and a box of tampons in the trunks of these cars. Tampax was there and so were we.

For my $4.83 I got six courtesy light lenses, two of which are for my car and 4 with the Cadillac crest to make nightlights or something suitably goofy out of. It is a good thing that most of my friends appreciate this sort of Shabby Mechanic art.

Foamy Likes Beer.

2006-01-03T17:08:00.000-05:00

Ok, on New Year's Eve, we brought the dog to our friends house for their NYE party. Foamy, the Rottweiler/Shepherd mix loves Winnie, David and Vance's Chow/Stinky Dog mix.

For fun, I decided to give Foamy some beer. He's 100 pounds and I only gave him about 4 ounces so don't call Animal Cops on me or anything. (Note: do not give your dog any beer that the beer snobs have earmarked for themselves. Seems I gave Foamy some crap that's only made once per year by some Monks deep in the heart of Austria or something.)

The dog gets looped. He's running around the yard like he hasn't in five years. When it's time to go in the house, he stands at the sidelight to the front door and even though we opened the door for him, he doesn't want to come in because he thinks the sidelight is the only way into the house.

The next day was Doggy Hangover day. Foamy just sort of drug his shedding carcass around from place to place, plopping down with a grunt/growl sound. Not unlike his owners after a few too many.

Mission Statement

2006-01-03T14:01:00.000-05:00

I guess I should decide what I want to accomplish here. It was suggested that I use this to chronicle my life as a car whore. "My name is Chris, and yes, I am a car whore."

Since 1989 when I purchased my first car, I have been on the never ending quest to find a car that I don't become bored with before the first oil change. To this day, I've owned over 35 cars from nearly every manufacturer and not one has kept me happy.

Ok, that's it for this post. I have to paint a couple of bedrooms...Oh, I may have to share my habit of making my home pretty and then selling it to move to another crap hole that needs more than the last home...

And then there's that thing with the goats. This could take awhile.